Transcript of Kickassia: Part 1 THE WITHERING EYE
(Scene opens with a Map of Molossia, panning over as a voiceover speaks)
Voiceover: There is a nation called... Molossia. A micronation, to be precise. Located just outside of Reno, in Dayton Nevada. It is a small spec of land... One point three acres to be exact. But through a strange loophole, it is technically considered... a nation. It is run by a man named Bowser, who has declared himself the proud president of this land. He has been called one Curly short of the Three Stooges, but he does manage to keep order in his humble country. For the most part Molassia is a quiet, simple, gentle land, that is yet to subject itself to any intense, hostile violence. That... is where King Dedede comes in.
(Scene changes to the Molossia flag against the morning sunlight. The opening credits roll, showing old civil war paintings, and playing the Kickassia theme. This ends with "Part 1: THE WITHERING EYE)
(After the credits, it opens on shots of Molossia, President Bowser is performing morning meditation when there's a knock on his door and goes to open it. King Dedede is seen waiting outside.)
King Dedede: Hello, I'm King Dedede, ruler of dreamland, and all around spectacular guy.
Bowser: (silent)
King Dedede(as if in reply to Bowser): I'm fine. Anyway I run a website that has all sorts of reviewers that come together and, well, review stuff. I don't like to brag, but, we're pretty successful.
Bowser: (silent)
King Dedede: I noticed that you er, have your own nation here. Must be very proud.
Bowser: (silent)
King Dedede: But to be fair, um... It is not very big and you're not very big. So. Let's just cut to the chase here. I am going to... invade you. My army is going to take you down, conquer Molossia, and take it as our own. Now, don't get any bright ideas. Don't try to fight back or anything like that. My army is quite literally unstoppable, undefeatable, and of course, invincible. Where, you are... what? Just you? (laughs) So, I'll give you uh... ten minutes to pack things up and piss off. (smiles) Deal?
Bowser: (silent, shuts the door.)
King Dedede (confused): Why do they always want to do it the hard way? (leaves)
(Cut to shots of trees and countryside, as Dedede sits in front of four computer monitors, each with information about Molossia.)
King Dedede: Ahhhh... Molossia... (picks up phone and dials)
(Cut to Starfire as she picks up her phone.)
Starfire: Hello?
King Dedede: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)
(Starfire looks at her phone confused, and puts it down. Cut to Cleveland)
Cleveland: Hello?
King Dedede: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)
Harold: Hello!
King Dedede: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)
Luigi: Hello?
King Dedede: It's time. (hangs up, dials another number)
Gumball: Hello?
King Dedede: It's time. (random intercut shots of Dedede speaking and dialing on the phone as the camera pans over the monitors.) (nodding and smiling as he completes his last call) It's time. (goes to get up, but phone immediately rings.) Hello?
Cleveland: Uhhh, Yeah... what does "It's time" mean?
King Dedede: What?
Cleveland: I don't know, you just called me up and said, (mockingly)"It's time!" like I'm supposed to know what that means.
King Dedede: Get on the wagon, Cleveland! It's the takeover of Molossia!
Cleveland: The takeover of what?
King Dedede: Ah- H-hold on, got a call on the other line. Hello?
Starfire: Hey... yeah, what's this "It's time" thing you're talking about?
King Dedede(surprised): Don't you know?!
Starfire: No.
King Dedede: Ah- Look, it doesn't matter, just meet me in Molossia.
Starfire: Where?
King Dedede: I- Ah, hold on, I got another call. (changes call) Hello?
Luigi: Yeah, it's uh... (checking watch) 3:22 p.m.
King Dedede: What?
Luigi(confused): I thought you were asking what time it was.
King Dedede(frustrated): No no... I'm telling you it IS time!
Luigi: Yeah, and that time is 3:22p.m.
King Dedede: No no- Urrrgh! I've got another call. Hold on. (switching calls) Hello?
Numbuh 4: I'm behind you 110% Dedede! Any Chick-Fil-A refusing to serve us delicious nuggets on Sundays from here on out will be blown sky high! (manic cackling)
King Dedede: Wait a minute, what are you talking about?
Numbuh 4: Wait, what are you talking about?
King Dedede: The invasion of Molossia!
Numbuh 4: What is Molossia?
King Dedede: I- (sigh) Hold on, I'll get back to ya. (switches calls) Hello?
Harold: Uhhh, yeah, I got 3:24 here, but I think Luigi's watch is more accurate.
King Dedede: Oh, uh.... hold on a minute. (switches calls) Hello?
Harold: Me again.
King Dedede: Sorry. (switches calls) Hello?
Starfire: Hi! Still running on "confused" here.
King Dedede: Look, it's hard to explain, just meet me in Molossia! It's in Nevada.
Starfire(sarcastically): Ok, I'll just uh, walk over to Nevada.
King Dedede(angry): I'll fly you there.
Starfire: When?
King Dedede(frustrated): I don't know! I can barely keep track of who I'm talking to! Oh, that reminds me, I gotta call Patrick Star.
Starfire: Who?
King Dedede: The Epic Fail Guy!
Starfire: Oh, yeah. He's funny!
King Dedede: Yes. (switches calls) Hello!
Luigi: Three twenty... three p.m.!
King Dedede: Go away. (switches calls) Hey Numbuh 1?
Numbuh 1: Guilty as charged.
King Dedede: Any chance you have Patrick's number?
Numbuh 1: Your mom has Patrick's number.
King Dedede: Shut up...
(cut to shot of a phone.)
Patrick Star(voiceover): (singing to the tune of The Greatest American Hero theme) Believe it or not, Patrick isn't at home. Leave a message at the beep...
King Dedede: Figures. Let me see if Iris in on board.
Iris(voiceover): Hello, Iris!
King Dedede: Iris! ... It's time.
Iris: It is?
King Dedede: Yes. We are taking over Molossia!
Iris: We're taking over Molossia?
King Dedede(excitedly): I know right, so get your stuff together and come down to-
Iris: Oh by the way, this has been an answering machine the whole time. Leave your message after the beep. (beep)
King Dedede: (confused look on his face) ...
(Cut to Eileen in a weird video-game world)
Eileen: Hello?
King Dedede: Eileen? I need you help. We are taking over Molossia!
Eileen: Oh... yeah, ya know I'd love to Dedede, but I'm (dodging things on screen) I'm a little busy right now!
King Dedede: Huh? Doing what?
Eileen: Uhh, yeah, I kinda got sucked into my Nintendo game. (punches a duck from Duck Hunt) Freak accident. Now I have to defeat the Mother Brain, restore order to the kingdom, (dodges a goomba) and Link's been acting kinda like a jerk. (Cartoon Link pops up on screen saying "Well, excuuuuse..." before exploding.)
King Dedede(sighing): Hold on, another call. (switches calls) Hello?
Luigi: Three twenty... four p.m.!
King Dedede: Ok, look, I'm putting EVERYBODY on speakerphone. (Hits button and sets down phone.) (shouting) Can-you-hear-me?!
Numbuh 4: Yes!
Starfire: Yes.
Cleveland: Yes.
Numbuh 1: No. ...I mean yes.
King Dedede: Look, we're taking over the land of Molossia. I'm flying you all out to Nevada so we can prepare for the invasion!
Numbuh 4: And where we all gonna stay?
King Dedede: It's ok. I booked everybody a hotel room.
(Scene immediately cuts to a hotel room, in which EVERYONE is crammed into. Visible people are Owen, Spider-Man, Gumball, Kristoff, Mike, Flynn Rider, Harold, Starfire, Luigi, Raven, Numbuh 1, Genie, and Cleveland. Everyone looks downtrodden and annoyed.)
Cleveland(sarcastically): Well, gee, I didn't see that one coming.
Gumball(excitedly): Oh boy! I'm excited! (To Flynn Rider) Are you excited?! I'm excited! (pause) Excited! (Flynn Rider turns away.)
Harold(monotone, and tiredly): (rubbing his head) I cannot believe he dragged us all out here...
Spider-Man: Tell me about it! I've got Venom that I could be fighting right now!
Numbuh 1: (Turning to Luigi) Hey, you look familiar, aren't you that "Yokai" guy?
Luigi(suspisciously shocked): What! No.. no.. I mean I don't know what you're talking about. (turns away)
Numbuh 1: Yeah yeah yeah! You're always trying to... take over the world and stuff.
Luigi: NO! I mean I swear I don't know-
Cinema Snob(interrupting): No no no no... you got the mask and the-
Luigi(shouting): (grabbing Numbuh 1 by the jacket) NO! (calming down) I mean... heh... ok. I was before but... (dramatic turn, with close-up on Luigi's face) That was the past... (dramatic music plays as Luigi stares off into nothing)
Numbuh 1: Ok, I'm gonna ignore you now.
(Cut to Owen standing next to Thomas The Tank Engine)
Owen: So you're a tank engine, huh?
Thomas The Tank Engine: (rolls his eyes and sighs)
(King Dedede enters)
King Dedede: Alright alright alright alright alright alright alright ALRIGHT! Is everybody here?
Owen: We sure as hell hope so. We can't fit any more people in this room.
Kristoff(worriedly): My god! Where's Cody!
Mike: I think you're sitting on him, dude.
Cody: (offscreen, with only his hand and arm visible) That's ok. I didn't want to stand anyway.
King Dedede: Alright people! We are about to do the ballsiest thing any of us have ever done before. We are going to take over the land... of Molossia!
Raven: ...why?!
King Dedede: What?
Raven: Why are we taking over Molossia? I mean, isn't it.. barely an acre of land?
King Dedede: Heh. Raven, do you think anyone else here honestly has that questi-
Everyone: WHY?!
King Dedede: Ok! Ok! Fact is that it's our one opportunity to finally seize control of something. I mean... haven't you ever wanted to rule your own nation?
Genie: Does SimCity count?
King Dedede: This is our chance to finally have power! To create an empire unlike any other!
Harold: But it's only an acre of land! What can we do with an acre of land?!
King Dedede: What CAN'T we do with an acre of land?!
Gumball: (wide-eyed) Whoa...
King Dedede: People. What may start as just a small acre of land, will blossom into something larger than any of us can possibly imagine!
Harold(mockingly): Yeah, like two acres of land! (Everyone chuckles softly.)
King Dedede: You know, there's another group of people that thought like you, Harold. There were called NAZIS! They were close-minded, hate filled people who just wanted everything their way. (shouting) Are you a Nazi, Harold?!
Harold: No.
King Dedede: (even louder) Are you a Nazi, Harold?!
Harold: No!
King Dedede: Cause I don't want any Nazis around here!
Harold(shouting): No! I'm not a Nazi! (everyone stares at him accusingly) I'm not! I'm not! I'm not a Nazi!
King Dedede(calmly): Good. Now let me tell you about a group of people that didn't give up. They were called Nazis! (everyone nods thoughtfully) They had a crazy plan, too. Everybody thought they were nuts. But you know what? They got pretty far, didn't they? Cause they were dedicated.
Everyone: Yeah!
King Dedede: And strong!
Everyone: Yeah!
King Dedede: A lot of people said they were crazy.
Everyone: Ehhhh.
King Dedede: Well everybody says that we're crazy, so that gives us a better advantage, doesn't it?
Everyone: YEAH!
King Dedede: Think about it... First we take Molossia, and then... the neighbors down the street. And then their neighbors, and then their neighbors, and then their neighbors! Until we build a military force so gigantic that nobody would be able to stop us! And then we go global! First we start with Texas. (Numbuh 4 and Raven nod to each other.) Then Canada. (Cleveland smiles) Then France! (Spider-Man looks intrigued) And then whatever other nation stands in our way! And then...
Genie(excitedly): Pudding?
King Dedede: THE WORLD!
Everyone: YEAH!
King Dedede: And don't you let anyone tell you that you can't do it. So what are you people? A Nazi? (everyone groans) OR NAZIS!
(Everyone cheers wildly. Gumball wipes a tear from his eye. Cody cheers from the floor. King Dedede walks over to Starfire, placing his arm around her.)
King Dedede: By the way... as the obvious future president of this great nation, I am going to need a vice president to be by my side. (Starfire rolls her eyes right before King Dedede grabs her and twirls her around) You're the only one who can keep the Dedede name alive... mostly because it's IN your name. Interested?
Starfire: Well, I dunno, I was kinda holding out for... president?
King Dedede: Well, that's all the vice president does.
Starfire: Oh. Ok, then.
King Dedede: Cool.
(King Dedede turns to everyone)
King Dedede: Alright everybody! What are we waiting for? Let's go kick some Molossia!
(Everyone cheers and runs out of the room)
Cody: (last to leave as he opens the door) And Cody!
(Scene cuts to more shots of Molossia. Bowser is speaking to someone offscreen.)
Bowser: So. This King Dedede guy says he might be invading our nation. What do you think?
(Shot cuts to Bowser sitting alone at a table. He slowly gets up, changing into a different outfit with a german hat, and a monocle. (This is Bowser's alter ego, King Koopa yet not revealed at this time) He sits in the opposite chair at the table.)
King Koopa: I say we keep our defenses high, but not worry too much about it.
(He gets back up, and changes back to Bowser. He sits back down.)
Bowser: Good.
(Scene cuts to the Channel Awesome group marching toward Molossia. Spider-Man has Winnie The Pooh stuffed in his jacket. Luigi turns and spits on the ground behind him. As they approach Molossia, Gumball gets Dedede's attention.)
Gumball(excitedly): We're gonna annihilate them, aren't we? We're going to annihilate them!
King Dedede: (patting Gumball on the head like a child) Yes Gumball, but save your energy. You're going to need for all the pointless torturing we're gonna be doing.
Gumball: (rubs his hands together and smiles gleefully)
(Scene cuts to Bowser walking outside his home to confront the group.)
Cody: He seems much smaller in person.
Flynn Rider: That because you're far away from him, jackass.
King Dedede: Well, he's about to get a lot closer. CHARGE!
(Everyone runs toward Molossia, yelling. Bowser remains completely still. The scene cuts back and forth between the group's screaming charge, and Bowser's blank expression. As soon as the group reaches the house, Bowser reveals a machine gun. The group's running charge is now a terrified, screaming retreat. Bowser smirks slightly before calmly heading back into his house, as the group continue running and screaming away from Molossia and back to their hotel. Cody is seen in front of the Molossia sign in the fetal position, sucking his thumb.)
(Cut to the Hotel room.)
Cleveland: Well, THAT didn't work.
Kristoff: Didn't you have any other strategy outside of going, "Aaaaaaahhhhh!" (waving his hands in mockery)
King Dedede: Well, I didn't think that far ahead.
Numbuh 1: No, you just thought up to where everyone was in charge, and you were ruling the fucking world.
King Dedede: (in unironic argeement) Yes.
Mike: You can't just do that, Dedede. You have to plan these things out. You have to have a strategy for god's sake!
King Dedede: Yeah, but that takes hard work. Hard work that we do not have!
Raven: I declare this... "sucking".
Owen: Me, too. I'm outta here.
Everyone: Yeah yeah yeah... (all get up to leave)
Raven: This is balls.
King Dedede: WAIT! Do you dare leave now in your moment of victory?!
Gumball: (placing a hand on Dedede's shoulder and staring off wistfully) I would never leave you, Dedede!
King Dedede: (looking freaked out) I know that, Gumball. (slowly pushes him away) We just need a plan!
Numbuh 4: How about be gut them open and wear their organs as hairnets!
King Dedede: Nah, we'd have to get close to them first.
Numbuh 4: Aww.
Spider-Man: How about I launch Pooh over, like a kamikaze bear?
King Dedede: Nah, I think they'd see that coming.
Spider-Man: Oh.
(Loki appears next to Owen in a firey portal.)
Loki: How about my army? They're quite large and fit into most overhead compartments.
King Dedede: NO! How'd you get in here anyway?!
Loki: ...just want to swoon the ladies.
King Dedede: GET OUT!
Loki: Hoh... (his portal floats away as Owen looks on, bewildered.)
Cody: How about we use Flynn's head as a battering ram?
Flynn Rider: Hey!
King Dedede: Nah, his head is too soft.
Flynn Rider: Hey!
Thomas The Tank Engine: Maybe we can jump on him and use his turtle shell to get extra points!
King Dedede: That's your answer to everything!
Thomas The Tank Engine(dejected): Well it would work if you gave it a shot!
Cleveland: Hey guys, uh, I got an idea. (sarcastic) This might seem like a shot in the dark but what if we just used weapons?
King Dedede: Nah, nah, that's a terrible idea. (long pause) WAIT! I have an idea!
Cleveland(sarcastically): Gee, does it involve using weapo-
King Dedede: It involves using weapons!
Cleveland: Yeah.
King Dedede: Numbuh 4, get your MP5's! Harold, get your magic gun! Spider-Man, start wrapping Pooh in explosives! By god, we'll give 'em a battle worth fighting for! And this time... there will be no dawn... for Molossia.
(Sequence involving everyone gearing up for war. Nostalgia Chick puts on a pair of dust goggles. Joe unpacks his MP5's. Bennett turns his hat around and pulls out an Uzi. LordKat puts on a camo mask. Jew Wario becomes Yanki J. Phelous pulls out a sword. Beary gets a grenade attached to him by Benzaie. Mickey dresses as a Spartan warrior, complete with markered on ab muscles. Linkara attaches a stuffed bear to a rope, realizes how strange that is, tosses it away and pulls out his magic gun. Film Brain pulls out a green pistol. MarzGurl pulls on a blue mask. Cinema Snob removes his glasses, spins around... and puts them back on. Paw puts on his headphones and turns them on, creating a proton pack start-up sound. Handsome Tom has changed from his "Hero" shirt to his "Villain" shirt, and shrugs.)
(The scene ends with Nostalgia Critic looking out the hotel window, and suddenly turning to the camera as the scene goes black. "To Be Continued..." appears and the video ends.)